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I feel like a 90’s blogger. The brunette one with a fluffy pen that she sticks in her mouth, bites with her teeth and looks out the shining window. Kinda like Cher. But noone’s Cher.

I feel like Life is a Game and I’m just like bad at this game. there. I lose. okay? apparently not.

I’m on a smoothie cleanse. I went on a medication and went a little rogue with impulse control eating and gained weight. I’ve been feeling pretty bad about that lately.

I feel really depressed today. I don’t really know why. Besides what I said. I suck at this game. my life does not look like a Win and I feel like im just waiting until I hit the part where I start winning the game. I feel like I have everything set in place to win but it’s just loss loss loss loss or what it feels like. If I’m not having fun it kinda does feel like a loss. Until retrospect.

I want an audience. I want people to care about my next post. like a 90’s blogger. like myspace. like making blogs actually cool…

I think a lot of big great best things about myself.

I tuned into Source today, I guess. –

Stillness

that’s what I crave the most

I remember a few years ago feeling like I was going so fast I felt like a shark- if I didn’t stop moving I would die.

then catatonia happened and my world got to slow down. I got to be still. I got to be silent.

-granted-there was much more happening behind the scenes.

but I was able to just be still.

I stilled so much that going back to what I guess I think life is is very fast. that makes me feel less than somehow.

like everyone has the memo but me. it’s like they know how to flow with this speed and all I do is know how to go slow.

I’ve come to terms with that I move slow. it’s okay to be slow, to go slow. slow is good.

but why does not being fast feel like such a fat loss.

I want to go faster but I literally can’t it feels like.

faster, more, more and faster —

heart attack

I’m just purging hoping I’m this cute brunette staring out the window writing cute thoughts in her fluffy lavender Dear Diary pretty cursive like handwriting.

a villanelle bc who would I be if I didn’t post one:

Refrain 1 (A¹) – keep me posted.
Line 2 (b) – sure, it matters
Refrain 2 (A²) – missing what was or

Line 4 (a) – missing – my future- what I want
Line 5 (b) – it exists already like the sunrise and then it clatters
Refrain 1 (A¹) – keep me posted.

Line 7 (a) – let me have it now, I say over and over with my feelings in every font
Line 8 (b) – when I’m cold- when I cry, my teeth, chatters
Refrain 2 (A²) – missing what was or

Line 10 (a) – I had good and I want more good is that not
Line 11 (b) – I just wanna sit pretty and let my cheeks pink and- flatters
Refrain 1 (A¹) – keep me posted.

Line 13 (a) – sparkled eyes, you catch me, caught
Line 14 (b) – at least-nope! I love you and I wish- sat her …
Refrain 2 (A²) – missing what was or

Line 16 (a) – or what we have and and and me me me I haunt
Line 17 (b) – listen. give me a message. I’ll eat you off a silver platter
Refrain 1 (A¹) – keep me posted.
Refrain 2 (A²) – missing what was or

I cry that im with you and I – I don’t want to say in the negative. I crave your physical affection. I crave your fingers and toes. I crave your beating heart. under my gentle ear lobe. give me a kiss with lips that I know are yours and yours only. xo wraps your arms around my shoulders and me around your waist and I nestle my face in your neck and smell your hair and kiss your throat. I whisper into your skin that I love you xxx

xx

kstar